Thursday, March 3, 2011

The Bitter Taste of Vinegar

Tangled branches away in the night breeze
Dripping blood like strawberry jam
How can they be watching me?
But they are, I know it
Despair like the bitter taste of vinegar
What are they waiting for?
What is the meaning of their melancholic song?

Yesterday was so cold. So cold that I dreaded taking out the recyclables just a little bit more than usual. It's that nasty time of year when everything just looks dirty, from the dwindling patches of muddy gray snow to the ratty yellow grass poking up from beneath it. And it's cold. Way colder than it needs to be. I dragged the glass and plastic filled bag down the driveway, the freezing wind trying it's hardest to rip the scarf right off my neck. I have nothing on my mind but the simple wish to be indoors again as quickly as possible.

And then, everything is quiet.

And there He is.

Somehow without even laying eyes on the spindly form only a few yards away, I just knew He was there. It was like those few moments after you wake up from a nightmare, when all you can lie underneath your blankets, afraid that the slightest movement will make whatever was chasing you in your dreams follow you into reality. Only, of course, this monster already had. He stood motionless and soundless, His long black arms held in His familiar and welcoming manner.

One thing that particularly struck me during this incident was the overall "wrongness" that seemed to pervade everything about his presence. Here is something that shouldn't exist, a myth or a fairytale. It can't possible be real. it certainly wouldn't be standing in front of me right now. And even if it is, I really shouldn't just stand around and stare. And believe me, I wanted to run away more than I think I've ever wanted anything before in my life. But it didn't happen.

Suddenly, in one heart-stopping moment, the distance between us began to decrease. Even if I wasn't uselessly terrified and even if I was able to force some sound from by suddenly dry throat, I knew that there was no chance of anyone hearing me. And even if someone did, what should they possibly do in such an incredibly hopeless situation. But wait...since I first noticed His presence, he hasn't so much as moved an inch. Dreading what I'd find, my eyes were drawn to the ground in front of me. Not only had my feet betrayed me by refusing to flee, but now they were moving so painfully slowly in the exact wrong direction. And right into His open, awaiting arms.

The very next thing I felt as something cold and solid on my left cheek. I opened my eyes and was greeted by the nutrition label on the back of an empty can of tomato sauce. Still in a state of panic, I scrambled to my feet and sprinted back to my front door, leaving the wind-blown garbage scattered across the yard.

And then, I'll be honest, I had myself a good long cry. It's such a sad sorry sight, to see someone of my age sobbing like a child. It was because I knew. I know now why He doesn't see me as a threat. Because I'm not. I'm so weak and helpless, all He had to do was stand in my driveway and suddenly I'm reduced to a crying wreck, huddling in my room with the curtains closed to He can't see me. It's still painful to think about I guess. I really can't to anything.

I think the worst part was the fake smile I had to put on once mom got home. I know, I know. I should tell someone. I should try to get help. But I can't. I would love to say that it was because of some noble reason like "I don't want to drag any one else into this, I don't want anyone else to get hurt", but I can't. I have my own selfish reasons. So I swallow all the unpleasantness, the fear, the anxiety, the memory of the deepest, blackest darkness I've ever seen, and I try to continue through the day normally. It's so easy I don't even have to think about. I've had lot's of practice.

I am, after all, an expert liar.


  1. an expert liar, huh? sounds familiar...

    but you're telling us, right? surely that has to count for something.

  2. I think you need to stop beating yourself up for doing the same thing the rest us have done when seeing it. Anyone who claims they haven't panicked at least once is a liar or insane.

  3. "Reports have stated that He seems to be able to compel most to do what they want Him to do, no matter how strong of mind the target is. This is both interesting and very distressing. While the Presence immediately gives off a sense of fear and revulsion, not unlike a common spider, He seems to also, perhaps, either possess supernatural charisma or some form of psychic abilities. Given His list of various powers both of these options seem possible.

    He gains followers not unlike a cult leader. This may explain why. His Followers do seem to be comprised of the mentally ill. Does He break the ones He deems worthy and kill the others? More investigation is needed."

    From Page 10

  4. Kay: I'm sorry. I guess it was pretty stupid of me to think I was special in that regard. Sorry

  5. Don't be sorry, you have a right to think anything you want. Whether it be self pity or arrogance, happiness or sadness, they are your thoughts and they are important. Keep pride in who you are, it's alright to have shortcomings. The flaws and emotions we have are what makes us human. It separates us from being like God or like the abomination we call the Slender Man. You have my respect.

  6. I'm sorry. I just wanted...I really wanted to be the person you all think I am. The person who gives everyone hope and is strong and encourages everyone. But it's become painfully clear that I'm not that person. I'm too weak. I don't have it in me to fight with anyone. And when I think about this...I just makes me feel like I'm letting everyone down. Every who ever believed in me and told me things were going to be okay.

    I don't think it's going to be okay.

  7. Let others down? No, I disagree. You have let nobody down. You merely perceive yourself as having done so. You don't know what others expect of you, so how can you say something like that for certain? What has really happened is you have let yourself down. You want to attain perfection and say that it is what others demand. You are setting yourself up for demise! Perfection cannot be attained! You will say you don't seek perfection, but the desire to improve in any way comes first from that basic desire. What you claim to seek you find, but your desire is not satisfied! It is perfection that you truly seek, and it is not shameful to seek it or to fall short! You are an amazing person and you must remember it!

    There are many things people want in this world, we don't always get that however and end up looking to the fortune of others. Man and Woman are fickle creatures, and when we see the blessings bestowed upon others it is easy to desire that we be as they are. They have love. They have friends. They have virtue. They have charisma. They have hope. They have all these different things we desire, yet can we have none? Oh how we wish that we had love or friends or virtue, charisma and hope! How we forget the blessings we have been bestowed with! This is a sad thing, and we do not all have the inherent blessings that we desire, but we each have that one thing that overjoys us and fills us with pride. What is it that fills you with pride Hosozukuri? You will say there is nothing, but think, does it not fill you with some joy when people praise your humble nature? Even if you think yourself unworthy does not a part of you somewhere in your heart take joy in it and seek more? You will say there is no such part, but think, does it not make your dark countenance brighten just a bit when someone deems your music beautiful? You will say they are only being polite, but think, does it not prove they deem you worthy of respect and manners?

    Hosozukuri, I apologize for my rudeness. I have spoken as if I have a right to force you to accept my ramblings. It is up to you whether or not you would like to agree with me. On top of it all I act as if I know you better than anyone else, forgive my arrogance. While you may not know me and I may not know you, I can still hope that we both are able to find understanding and comfort from each other.

  8. There's no shame blinking in a staring contest against something that has no face. All you can do is try better next time.

    If you're still alive, you win. Always keep that in mind. ~_^

  9. I would have been worse, your brave compared to me ^.^'.