First of all, I'd like to apologize for my last post. I hate more than anything else in the world to force my problems onto other people and the last thing I ever want to do is to come across as angsty. I've read through all your comments again and just want to thank you all for trying to be supportive, even if I didn't quite see it that way at first. I'll take this quick opportunity to address some of those comments. Yes, sometimes bouts of depression are normal for me, although my current situation really isn't helping that any. And no, it's not just artist's block that's the problem.
Recently I've been plagued by voices. Vague, incomprehensible mutterings that are slowly but surely turning my life into a living hell. As most of these things do, it started off small, as an almost unnoticeable noise in the corner of my mind. Like a dog scratching on a door to be let in. I tried to ignore it. What could it possibly be other than my highly overactive imagination? It only escalated from there. Inhuman and impossible to understand words (I hesitate to even call them "words") continually intrude in my thoughts. Trying to tell me something but I just can't understand. Well...it's difficult to explain, but the more I ignore it, the more I know what it's trying to say. Or rather, what He really wants from me.
And yet...it's still so hard to put into words. It's so annoying I feel like I want to rip my hair out just to make it stop. He seems to want a song from me. Why He would every want a song from someone untrained and untalented like me is just beyond my comprehension. But the idea of taking the wordless spoken tune running though my head and putting it to music...is the most terrifying thought I can possibly imagine. I don't know why, I don't know the reason for it, I don't feel like I know anything anymore. But I know that if that were to happen, it would cause unspeakable suffering. To me? To others? I don't know. Maybe everyone. Maybe no one. Maybe just me.
So now you see why I've been avoiding that silly little keyboard. I've often felt as I worked that something was guiding my fingers along the keys. After I finish and I listen to my work, I often wonder how I was able to make such a good song and if I could ever do it again. That song He wants...He's tried to make it before clearly. But He missed one very important detail: a tune composed by human hands is worthless unless the person's heart is in it. Unfortunately, as stated before, I have no interest in writing a melody that causes pain. And I have a feeling that "no" is not an appropriate responce.
I've been able to get some measure of peace by listening to- what else- music. Not mine, but my 200 or so song playlist on my iPod. It's nothing but a temporary fix though. After all, I can't carry my iPod around with me everywhere. Still, it's a tiny sanctuary for my troubled mind. It's funny, but I always thought that if I ever got to the point of hearing voices I would snap a lot faster than this. It's become shockingly normal now, even though it's only been a few weeks. Everything's harder when you're depressed though. As if my impending madness wasn't enough, I have collage and scholarships and essays to worry about. Sometimes I just don't feel like I'm not strong enough to handle it all.
In other upsetting news, I have had a few more run-ins with Henohonomoheji-mask girl (needs a catchier name I know). Still stared at me with her odd face. She never has a lot to say. But when she does speak, it's never anything nice. I'd rather not talk about it. Let's just say she's being less than encouraging. I don't know what I'll do if she becomes more outwardly threatening.
My parents, bless their hearts, are trying so much to help me. They encourage me every opportunity they can and I'm so grateful for that. It's just...sometimes nothing anyone says can help. Sometimes the problem is just me. Actually, I think the problem's just me a lot of the time.
So that's what I've been doing this past month. I honestly don't know I will (or should) continue writing music. I'm certainly going to have to try, or that twenty grand my parents are paying to get me into collage for music will be pretty useless. Thanks again for all your kind comments. And before you say it, yes, I'll be careful.