Sunday, February 6, 2011


First of all, I'd like to apologize for my last post. I hate more than anything else in the world to force my problems onto other people and the last thing I ever want to do is to come across as angsty. I've read through all your comments again and just want to thank you all for trying to be supportive, even if I didn't quite see it that way at first. I'll take this quick opportunity to address some of those comments. Yes, sometimes bouts of depression are normal for me, although my current situation really isn't helping that any. And no, it's not just artist's block that's the problem.

Recently I've been plagued by voices. Vague, incomprehensible mutterings that are slowly but surely turning my life into a living hell. As most of these things do, it started off small, as an almost unnoticeable noise in the corner of my mind. Like a dog scratching on a door to be let in. I tried to ignore it. What could it possibly be other than my highly overactive imagination? It only escalated from there. Inhuman and impossible to understand words (I hesitate to even call them "words") continually intrude in my thoughts. Trying to tell me something but I just can't understand.'s difficult to explain, but the more I ignore it, the more I know what it's trying to say. Or rather, what He really wants from me.

And's still so hard to put into words. It's so annoying I feel like I want to rip my hair out just to make it stop. He seems to want a song from me. Why He would every want a song from someone untrained and untalented like me is just beyond my comprehension. But the idea of taking the wordless spoken tune running though my head and putting it to the most terrifying thought I can possibly imagine. I don't know why, I don't know the reason for it, I don't feel like I know anything anymore. But I know that if that were to happen, it would cause unspeakable suffering. To me? To others? I don't know. Maybe everyone. Maybe no one. Maybe just me.

So now you see why I've been avoiding that silly little keyboard. I've often felt as I worked that something was guiding my fingers along the keys. After I finish and I listen to my work, I often wonder how I was able to make such a good song and if I could ever do it again. That song He wants...He's tried to make it before clearly. But He missed one very important detail: a tune composed by human hands is worthless unless the person's heart is in it. Unfortunately, as stated before, I have no interest in writing a melody that causes pain. And I have a feeling that "no" is not an appropriate responce.

I've been able to get some measure of peace by listening to- what else- music. Not mine, but my 200 or so song playlist on my iPod. It's nothing but a temporary fix though. After all, I can't carry my iPod around with me everywhere. Still, it's a tiny sanctuary for my troubled mind. It's funny, but I always thought that if I ever got to the point of hearing voices I would snap a lot faster than this. It's become shockingly normal now, even though it's only been a few weeks. Everything's harder when you're depressed though. As if my impending madness wasn't enough, I have collage and scholarships and essays to worry about. Sometimes I just don't feel like I'm not strong enough to handle it all.

In other upsetting news, I have had a few more run-ins with Henohonomoheji-mask girl (needs a catchier name I know). Still stared at me with her odd face. She never has a lot to say. But when she does speak, it's never anything nice. I'd rather not talk about it. Let's just say she's being less than encouraging. I don't know what I'll do if she becomes more outwardly threatening.

 My parents, bless their hearts, are trying so much to help me. They encourage me every opportunity they can and I'm so grateful for that. It's just...sometimes nothing anyone says can help. Sometimes the problem is just me. Actually, I think the problem's just me a lot of the time.

So that's what I've been doing this past month. I honestly don't know I will (or should) continue writing music. I'm certainly going to have to try, or that twenty grand my parents are paying to get me into collage for music will be pretty useless. Thanks again for all your kind comments. And before you say it, yes, I'll be careful.


  1. Thank god you're okay, Hoso. I was beginning to worry about you. Just...thank god.


  2. Dear songbird, our hearts are always with you.

    Remember, there are a thousand ways to say 'no' without sounding like you're opposing the Black King.

    I wish you nothing but the best, and hope you realize that, despite any misgivings you may have, you've the makings of a stellar musician, and it would be heartbreaking to see you clip your own wings.

  3. I don't see how writing the song could hurt. You don't have to play it just right it out maybe that would help you mind be at ease.

  4. Sorry if my last comment seemed a bit harsh,tough love seems to be the only way i know how to deal with angsty folk.
    Also sorry about being annonymous,but i've no profile on any of the list of sites you can post from and no intention of starting one.

    Anywho i've little else to say apart from what I did last time.
    Make music if you want,if you don't feel like it nobody can make you.
    - D

  5. Heh... I've been experiencing something similar. I'm sorry that you're having such a horrible time with this... I know how hard it can be.

    As far as the "song" goes... Be careful. You're right, no would not be a suitable answer for Him... but I doubt you can write the song and make it the way He would want it... and I think that it would hurt others because it would almost be like an audio version of Him... I mean... if he's the one trying to make you create this song, and you feel it might hurt someone, then that's the only explanation I can think of... so be careful... I hope you start doing better soon. Good luck Hoso.

    ~Eternally Anonymous~

  6. Well I'm glad your still alive at least. Your condition reminds me of the current condition of my older sister, she has such horrible intrusive thoughts that she can barely sleep at night. Although my sister isn't being stalked by Slendy... at least I hope not.
    Well anyways, stay safe kid.

  7. Hi.

    Glad to see that you're back. I'm not too sure about the voices thing, but I know how you feel about not being able to create something. Feeling like you're not good enough. I don't know if I've ever felt like someone was forcing me to do it, but I can imagine how much that must hurt you.

    It really is something that is hard to put into words. Oddly enough, House of Leaves takes an entire novel to describe such a feeling. Fitting, isn't it?

    And I have a feeling tall, dark and suited is at least somewhat like the Lead Cenobite a.k.a. Pinhead... the only thing that would sound like 'music' for Him would be the sounds of razors against flesh, primal screams of dread... symbolism in sound. He most likely wants the idea of pain put into song form.

    Just throwing that out there. Anyway, yeah, again, glad that you're back and, at the least, keep your dreams alive. He does not control you. He does not make the music. You do. You do as you need to. He should have no bearings over you. You are better then him. Better then me. Better then most of us. Know it. Believe it.

    Later. And remember...

    Tap the vein.

  8. Sweetie. We're all behind you, and I agree with Thage. Though my dealings with Him haven't been overly abundant with choices, I know that there are many open-ended ways to word a 'No.'

    Things like..."I need time and inspiration." ectectect.

    You're an amazing musician and to let that go because of one single bastard....

    It would certainly be disheartening.

    If push comes to shove and you have to Run, I'm sure that we'd all clamor to help you.